


The Experiment

by Missy_Pixels



Category: Archie Comics, Archie Comics & Related Fandoms
Genre: Aromantic, Asexual Character, Asexuality, F/M, First Date, First Kiss, Fluff, Friendship, Humour, M/M, Oneshot, awkward first date, experimenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-09
Updated: 2014-01-09
Packaged: 2018-01-08 03:57:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1128059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy_Pixels/pseuds/Missy_Pixels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Experiment

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place shortly after the events in Veronica 202 when Kevin Keller makes his first appearance. But you don't need to have read that story for this one to make sense.
> 
> Brush credit to [Punksafetypin](http://punksafetypin.deviantart.com/)
> 
> Special thanks to [Rosencrantz](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosencrantz/profile) for being a wonderful beta and making jokes with me in the end notes.
> 
> Special thanks to [Kimra](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Kimra/profile) for encouraging me to finally post this fic and providing a joke in the end notes.

 

It was half past three on a Friday afternoon. Someone had put some Doo-Wop on the jukebox and Pop Tate’s malt shop was just starting to fill up with teenagers ready to wind down after a long week at school.

"A burger and a malt, Pop!" called Jughead cheerfully, taking his favourite stool at Pop’s counter. 

"Just the one?" asked Pop as he moved to fill Jughead's order.

"We need to warm up first," said Jughead, licking his lips in anticipation. 

"A diet soda for me, Pop." 

Jughead turned his head to see Veronica take the stool beside him. 

"Hi Juggie."

"Hey, so no hard feelings, right Ronnie?" Jughead asked as she settled in beside him. "You know, about the..." He tilted his head towards Riverdale High's newest student, Kevin Keller, "...little fun we had?" 

Kevin was sitting in a nearby booth with another junior--Aaron, Jughead thought his name was--in what looked like a date. Jughead had hid the fact that Kevin was gay from Veronica when he'd noticed her crush on him. It had been funny, but Veronica hadn’t taken it well.

"Water under the bridge," answered Veronica, being uncharistically gracious. "What's a harmless joke between friends?"

Jughead grinned, happy to see Veronica was looking at it his way. "Yeah," he said. "That’s right."

Pop wandered back over then with both of their orders and a moment of idle chit chat before disappearing again to deal with other customers.

When he left Veronica picked her soda up and stirred it idly with her straw. "So," she said, glancing over at Kevin and his date. "I guess this means you're next, huh?"

Jughead blinked. "Next at what?"

"You know," said Veronica playfully. "Coming out. Letting us in. I mean, I figured it out when I saw Kevin giving you those chocolates. It just made so much sense. Like a puzzle piece falling neatly into place." 

She glanced towards Kevin’s date this time. "He's not that into him," she said knowingly. "You've still got a chance."

Jughead's eyes widened when he figured out what she was saying. "You think I'm gay?"

"Think? Juggie, darling, you don't exactly keep your disinterest in girls a secret. If you don't like women, there's only one other option."

"There is?"

Veronica flashed a devilish smile and stood up. "Well it was good talking to you." She picked up her drink and went to rejoin Midge and Betty at a nearby booth. 

"What was that about?" asked Betty, taking a peek at Jughead back over at the bar, who had now set his burger down and seemed to be deep in thought.

"Oh just making a point that it's not fun to mess with other people's heads." Veronica smiled menacingly and took a sip of her drink.

“So whaddya think Arch? Am I gay?" asked Jughead after he’d finally finished going over his conversation with Veronica.

Archie frowned, all of this felt a bit over his head. "Well I don't know. Who do you like more?"

The two of them were in Archie's basement, video game controllers and junk food both thrown off to side in favour of Jughead's newest existential crisis. "What do you mean?"

"Well that's the difference, right? You've got to figure out who you'd rather be with. Who would you like to date, or kiss, or take to the prom? A guy or a girl?"

Jughead was quiet a minute as he considered that. "I think I'd rather date a guy because he'd be more likely to treat me to dinner. But I'd rather kiss a girl because sometimes their lip gloss tastes like cherries." He paused for a moment. "I don't know who I'd rather go to the prom with."

Archie shook his head. "No, that's not what I mean." He frowned. "Who gets a reaction out of you? Who makes your heart beat faster just by walking into the room?"

Jughead looked blank.

"Come on, someone's made a room light up for you just by smiling. Made you wish it was Christmas so you can catch them under a mistletoe. Made you want to leave everything behind and devote your life to this one perfect, special person. I get that feeling at least every other week."

Jughead thought for a moment. "I'm not sure," he said finally. "I thought I felt like that once about the girl Pop Tate paid to dress up like a hot dog outside the malt shop. But in the end it turned out I was just hungry." 

"Maybe you need a jump start or something. You're probably just so focused on things like food you don't notice it." Archie stood up suddenly and snapped his fingers. "I've got it!" he cried. "We just need to put you in a really romantic situation with both a boy and a girl you really like. If we make sure it's a really romantic night all you have to do is pay attention, and you'll see which one you fall in love with."

Jughead was hesitant. Something about this plan made him uneasy. "I dunno, Arch," he said. "I've seen what being in love does to you guys. You get all distracted and gooey and lovey dovey when you like someone."

"Come on, Jughead. It's this or never knowing. You have to. For science!"

Jughead sighed. "Alright. Two dates. But if I turn into some kind of lovesick zombie I'm blaming you."

Archie grinned and held out his hand. "Let's do this." 

Jughead tried to ignore the worried knot forming in his stomach and reached out to clasped Archie's hand. He was going to figure himself out.

Jughead walked into Pop Tate’s a couple days later after getting a cryptic text from Archie telling him to meet him there. When he stepped in and saw what Archie had done he almost bolted right back out the door. Sitting around a couple of tables waiting for him wasn't just Archie, but Midge, Dilton, Chuck and Betty all sitting beside a small banner that read 'Jughead's Perfect Date Committee.'

The only thing that kept Jughead in the shop was a large plate full of hamburgers sitting at an empty space at the front of table. Jughead closed his eyes, torn between two very strong compulsions, but the moment the sweet aroma of the hamburgers caught his nose he knew he had no choice. 

"I told you," said Betty, grinning as Jughead made his way reluctantly to the table and started eating the hamburgers. "Do I know our Juggie or what?" 

"What is all this?" asked Jughead between bites. "I thought I was just going to go on a couple of dates."

Archie looked embarrassed. "Well I mentioned it to Betty, right? And she offered to help, which sounded like a great idea at the time. Except she mentioned it to Midge."

"Midge was really excited about helping out," Betty filled in. "And hey, I always figure the more the merrier, right?"

"And I mentioned it to Chuck in art class," said Midge. "And he thought the idea was really great and mentioned it to Dilton in biology."

"And Dilton figured he could help make sure it’s all done real scientific-like," added Chuck.

"I think it’s important that we make sure the conditions are as close as we can get them between both dates," explained Dilton, fixing his glasses. "I am also going to need to know your exact hypothesis so we can write up a proper scientific method. Once also may not be enough, I propose we repeat the experiment afterwards to see if we reach the same results."

"And so here we are," said Archie with a sheepish smile.

Jughead didn't respond right away. He had stopped mid bite into his first hamburger and was now gaping at his friends. 

"Jughead, are you alright?" asked Betty.

He put the hamburger down and pushed his chair out to leave. "I think I made a mistake," he said. "This is too much."

It was Betty who grabbed his hand. "Oh Juggie, at least hear us out before you leave. I know this all seems overwhelming, but it's not as bad as it looks."

"It’s not?" asked Jughead.

"We're here to help you," explained Midge, grinning in a manic way that made Jughead very nervous. "Oh this is just too cute."

Jughead pointed his finger warningly at Midge. "Ok, that attitude needs to be toned down if this is going to work," he said. Midge was obviously still holding back giggles, but she nodded and agreed. 

"Strictly professional." she said.

Archie cut in. "So what we were thinking is that after we've figured out who it is you're going to ask out, we'll plan the date for you. Make sure it’s properly romantic. And you’ll be free to focus on the actual experiment."

"Between the four of us, we figure we should be able plan something nice," said Chuck, cutting in. "I mean, between my creativity, Dilton's smarts, Betty's intuition, Midge's romanticism and Archie's leadership, this should work out pretty well. All you'll have to do is show up."

Jughead looked around at all the really eager faces and sighed. "I guess that makes some sense," he conceded. All the faces around the table lit up. 

"You won't regret this Jughead," said Betty.

"Alright so for our first order of business, you need to figure out who you're going to ask out," said Archie.

"What? Now?"

"Depending on which person you choose to ask out will affect the type of date we create for you," explained Dilton. "It is important that the evening's activities are compatible with whoever it is."

"I have a list of some of Riverdale's most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes here already if you need to jog your brain a bit," said Betty pulling out a folder and passing the contents over to Jughead. 

"Where did you get everyone's headshots?" he asked, amazed. 

"I'm on yearbook." She explained offhandedly leaning over to look at the pictures Jughead was looking through. "Personally I'd like to suggest Jessica. She's nice, pretty and you both like a lot of the same things. She's smart too, she can talk Shakespeare with you."

Jughead looked over the picture of freckled blonde. "Actually I was thinking of asking Ethel," The table went silent. "What?"

It was Archie who spoke up first. "It's just, we didn't think you liked Ethel," he said. "You're always avoiding her."

"I'm always avoiding any girl who chases after me.” Jughead countered. “But I dunno, I figure she's got dibs, you know?” He shrugged. “And we have some things in common too. She's a really good cook, you know."

"But she's not exactly..." Archie faltered while he tried to think of a good word to use. "Well you know, she's not a beauty queen or anything."

Jughead was surprised to see that nobody else at the table seemed to be disagreeing with Archie. 

"She's not?" he asked, honestly unsure. Obviously she didn’t turn heads the way Veronica or Midge did, but she had a bright smile and she always had something nice to say. Besides, she had some nice features, didn’t she? "But you guys are always going on about really skinny girls, and girls with long legs," he said, directing his comment directly to Chuck and Archie who he knew he'd heard extoll those exact traits about girls they liked. 

"She’s very nice," cut in Betty, supportively. "And she can be really funny. Any guy would be lucky to have her."

"So Ethel it is for the my girl date," said Jughead triumphantly. The rest of the table murmured and nodded in agreement as Jughead reached for the second, significantly smaller pile of male headshots. "You know, I think I should just ask Kevin," he said. "I mean, we get along, we have a lot in common. And he's attractive...right?"

"Oh yes," said Midge probably more forcefully than was necessary. Betty nodded vigorously beside her.

"Alright, so we've got that sorted," said Jughead. "I guess now I just need to..." his eyes went wide when he realised what came next--"Ask them out," he squeaked.

“Don't worry, I'm sure both of them will be more than happy to go on a date with you," said Betty, taking Jughead's hand again and smiling encouragingly at him.

"And if either of them don't, we'll pick somebody else. It'll be fine," added Midge.

"Thanks," said Jughead, actually feeling somewhat comforted by the two girls. Though something about all this was still making his stomach squirm. "I guess I’ll let you know how it goes."

Jughead decided to ask Ethel out first. He figured start with the surer bet, and maybe if she was enthusiastic, it might help build his confidence to ask Kevin out next. He finally spotted her the next day in the hall between classes as she rushed past him.

"Hey, Ethel!" called Jughead, spinning around and going after her. 

Ethel stopped dead and turned to Jughead. She pointed at herself and mouthed 'Me?'

Jughead nodded and jogged to catch up to her. "Are you busy this weekend?" he asked.

Ethel blinked, obviously having not anticipated that particular question. She pointed back to her chest. "Me?" she said aloud this time.

Jughead smiled. "Yeah, I was thinking Saturday night? Like for a date or something?"

Ethel beamed but just as she opened her mouth to answer her face fell. "I have to babysit Saturday." 

"Oh, well--"

"What about Friday? I'm free Friday evening." 

Jughead nodded. "Yeah, Friday is cool too," he said. "I'll give you a call, kay?"

"kay--I mean yes, of course!" squeaked Ethel. The second bell rang. "I...um, I gotta go. But I'll talk to you later," she said and rushed off. 

Jughead watched her walk away. He had expected the knot in his stomach to ease after she'd said yes, but it just felt tighter than ever. "Well that's one down." He sighed. "One to go." He scanned the now empty hallway and tried to think if he knew where any of Kevin's classes were.

Jughead didn't manage to track Kevin down until after school when he spotted him tying up a pair of cleats for soccer practice. 

"Hey Kevin, got a minute?" asked Jughead, jogging over. 

A couple of Kevin's teammates finished up and ran off onto the field. Kevin jogged to edge of the field where Jughead was instead. "Hey Jug, what's up?"

"I was just wondering, do you have any plans Saturday night?"

Kevin thought about it for a minute before shaking his head. "No, not that I can think of," he said. "Why do you ask?"

"Wanna go out with me?" asked Jughead. "Like on a date?" 

Kevin did a doubletake. “A date?” He repeated. “Like a date date? With dinner and candlelight?”

“Well I don’t know about the candlelight part, but yeah. A date date,” answered Jughead, a bit irritated that he wasn’t getting through. 

“With you?”

“Look, if you’re not interested--”

“No.” Kevin said quickly. “I’m interested, I just didn’t realise you, you know...” But whatever it was, he didn’t elaborate. “What did you have in mind?” he asked instead.

Once again, Jughead expected relief, but he got an uncomfortable twist in his stomach instead. “How about I call you. We can talk more then.” 

Kevin nodded. “Cool, sounds good.” He glanced back where the rest of the team had started to do drills. “I’ll see you Saturday!” he said, and ran off to join his team.

If Jughead had thought that things might go back to normal now, at least until Friday, he was sorely mistaken.

Ethel seemed to be "accidentally" running into Jughead much more often than she ever had before. Even at the height of her chasing-after-him phase. "Hello Juggie." She would coo with big soppy eyes, batting her eyelashes at him. "I can't wait for Friday."

"Er...yeah, me neither, Big Ethel." Jughead would usually answer nervously. "Should be fun."

And when he wasn't avoiding Ethel, he was being ambushed by Kevin, who would corner him and start interrogating him. Finally one day at lunch, where they sitting so close their shoulders were touching, Jughead finally asked, “Why is it so important that you know who my favourite band is anyways?" 

Kevin looked startled. "I just want to get to know you better," he said. "We don't really know each other that well."

Jughead suddenly understood. "This is a dating thing, isn't it?"

Kevin nodded. "Yeah. Getting to know the other person is a huge part of dating," he explained. 

Jughead thought about that and nodded. "Alright," he said. He guessed that made sense. And getting to know people didn't sound too bad. Still it felt a bit forced, but maybe it would make more sense once he figured out the attraction part.

Still Ethel and Kevin's behaviour had him on edge. Moreso than he realised, he discovered later that day on his way to his locker when someone put their hand on his shoulder and he jumped three feet in the air. He spun around to see Betty looking back at him startled. "Oh, Betty, it's just you." He breathed a sigh of relief. "I thought you might be Ethel or Kevin."

"Are you feeling alright?" asked Betty. "You seem a bit wound up."

"Just nervous, I think," answered Jughead, thinking of his poor somersaulting stomach.

Betty nodded. "Don't worry, Jughead, that's normal," she told him. "And the first time is always the worst."

Jughead nodded. "Right," he said. "That makes sense."

Betty smiled encouragingly at him. "Walk you to class?" she asked. 

Jughead nodded and they set off. At least if he was talking to Betty, Ethel and Kevin were less likely to jump him again. "I guess you guys have been busy planning my dates for me, huh?"

Betty grinned and nodded. "I think we've got something good for you," she said. "We wanted to customize each one, but Dilton insisted that they both have to be as similar as possible. It has something to do with the purity of the experiment or something like that." 

She rolled her eyes but she was smiling indulgently. "But I guess it makes less work for us, so it's not too bad."

"Anyways, we thought we'd go with a classic. Dinner and a movie. You two can catch the early show and then we've made reservations for Maurice's, easily the most romantic restaurant in the city. And finally, you can go for a long walk on the beach to watch the sun set."

"Wow, sounds like a busy night," said Jughead. A movie didn't sound too bad, and he liked the idea of not having to do anything for the first couple hours of the date, but he hated Maurice's. He always felt they gave you too little food for too much money. And a walk on the beach just sounded dull. But he'd give it a try, for the sake of figuring this all out. "Say, Betty, can I ask you something personal?"

"Of course."

"How do you know, you know, when you like somebody. Like really like somebody?"

"Oh?" Betty seemed a bit confused by the question.

"You know, just so I know what I'm watching for. Like when I'm on these dates, what should I be paying attention to?"

“Ah," Betty nodded. "I see. Well it's different for different people. With me and Archie, for example, I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about him."

'Check," said Jughead, he had butterflies galore.

"And when I look into his eyes, my heart beats faster."

"Look into eyes, sped up heartbeat. Got it," repeated Jughead, committing it to memory.

"And kissing him is the absolute best," she said. "It tingles all the way down to my toes and I can feel my cheeks go bright red."

"Kissing, tingling and blushing," repeated Jughead. "Sounds simple enough." 

Betty patted his shoulder. "You don't need to memorize these, Jughead, when you fall for somebody, you know. It's...well it's intense."

"Yeah?" he asked. 

Betty nodded. "It's pretty hard to miss." 

"Thanks, Bets, I feel better."

"I'm always glad to help," she said as the two of them stopped in front of Betty's history class. 

She grabbed his arm. "Hey, before I go, I just want to say, don't get yourself too worked up. Be yourself, and don't try to force it. If it was meant to happen, it'll happen."

Jughead smiled a weak smile. "I'll remember that, thanks."

"Anytime," smiled Betty before slipping away into class. 

Jughead sighed. He was feeling a bit better, but his stomach was still twisted up. Was this part of falling in love? Is love supposed to feel like you're about to walk off a cliff?

By the time Friday evening rolled around Jughead was more nervous than he ever thought he could be for a date. But despite the overhanging feeling of dread, he was mostly relieved to finally be getting on with it. On Archie's orders he wore his nicest clothes and started the evening off by meeting with the dating committee. They gave him a printed out copy of the movie listings and the time and name for his dinner reservation along with lots of advice for his first date.

"Make sure you see something romantic," said Midge. "I think the new Reese Witherfork movie is playing."

"Be chivalrous," added Chuck. "Holding doors and pulling out chairs is a great way to keep the mood romantic."

"You should fix your hair," said Dilton, handing Jughead a comb. "Studies show that good hygiene plays a much more significant role in attraction than is generally apparent."

Jughead looked at himself in the hallway mirror, his hair looked just like it always did. "It looks fine."

"No, it really doesn't," said Midge, taking the comb and running it through Jughead's hair until it sat so neatly it looked like it belonged to somebody else.

He felt a pressure on his arm and looked over to see Betty smiling encouragingly at him, "Just relax and be yourself," she said. "Remember, this is supposed to be fun."

Jughead gulped. "Right." 

"You ready?" asked Archie once everyone felt comfortable that Jughead was suitably prepared for his date.

"Yeah, I think so," he said.

"Good, I'll walk you out," said Archie. "So um...how are you planning on getting around?"

Jughead shrugged. "I figured we'd take the bus to the theatre. And we could probably walk to the restaurant from there."

"Oh Jughead." Archie sounded like he was talking to a naive child. He shoved his hand into his pocket, then stopped himself. He seemed to be fighting with himself over a decision. Finally he closed his eyes and reached deep into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys and shoved them into Jughead's hands. "Here's the keys to Betsy." 

Jughead stared dumbly down at the keys in his hand. "You mean your jalopy?" He looked back up at his friend. "You never let anyone drive Betsy."

Archie put his hand on Jughead's shoulder. "Just be careful with her, alright, pal?"

"Yeah, of course. Thanks, Archie, it means a lot. Really."

Archied grinned. "Don't mention it. And have a good time."

Jughead ended up showing up at Ethel's house ten minutes early. The door was answered by a large burly man with rapidly disappearing black hair and a scowl.

"Hello, Mr Muggs?" said Jughead, taking a wild guess. "Is Ethel around?"

"You Jughead?" he growled.

Jughead gulped and nodded. "Yes sir."

"She's not ready yet," he said opening the door wider. "Come sit and wait for her."

Jughead stepped inside and sat on a bench in the foyer. Then, to his surprise, Ethel's father sat on a stool across from him so that their eyes were exactly level. "Don't think I don't know what goes through the minds of boys like you."

"Boys like me?" repeated Jughead, confused. 

"I'm warning you now, you touch a hair on my baby girl's pretty little head and you're going to wish you'd never been born. Understood?" he growled.

"Yes sir," lied Jughead. 

Mr Muggs looked like he had more to say, but stopped when he heard Ethel coming down the stairs. They both looked over to see Ethel make her entrance. She was dressed as nicely as Jughead, in a pretty, but casual dress, and her hair tied up and styled in loose curls. 

Mr Muggs went over to her and gave her a hug. "You look great, baby doll." He told her, suddenly a much kinder, softer man than the one who had been interrogating Jughead moments earlier. "Have fun tonight."

Ethel smiled at her father and thanked him before turning over to Jughead. "You ready, Juggie?"

Jughead nodded, glancing nervously at Mr Muggs who had gone back to glaring at him threateningly behind Ethel’s back. "Yeah, let's go," he said as he opened the door for Ethel.

"Is this Archie's jalopy?" asked Ethel when she saw the red car waiting for her outside.

"Yeah, he kinda loaned it to me for the night," explained Jughead as he unlocked the passenger side door and held it open for Ethel. She seemed surprised by the gesture, but climbed in and waited patiently for Jughead to rush around the car to climb in himself.

"Wow, I thought Archie was really possessive about his jalopy," said Ethel in awe once they were both settled. "So what are we doing?"

"I thought we'd start with movie then go have dinner," said Jughead. He left out the part about the beach. Someone, Midge he thought, had suggested saving it as a surprise. "So um...can your dad be a little intense sometimes?"

"Oh, he didn't try to scare you? Did he?" asked Ethel. "He does that with every boy I date. He scared Hank so badly he was afraid to talk to me for a week."

"Why does he do that?"

"You know dads," said Ethel. "They think boys are only after one thing."

It took Jughead a second to figure out what Ethel was talking about. "On a first date!?" he asked. "That’s moving a bit fast, isn’t it?"

Ethel just laughed. "Don't worry, it's just Dad being paranoid." She looked soppily over at Jughead and put her hand on his knee. "I trust you with my virtue, Juggie."

"Woah, I didn't--I don't--" Jughead started to panic but Ethel interrupted him.

"I'm joking." She started giggling. "You should relax before you accidentally crash Archie’s car.”

"So," said Jughead, looking over the movie listings. "I guess we should see Insomnia in Indianapolis, huh?"

"Ugh, no," answered Ethel sticking out her tongue. "I heard it was really boring. Let's watch the new Trek Wars movie. It has aliens and lasers."

"Trek Wars it is," said Jughead, relieved. "Do you want some popcorn?" 

"I'll handle it, you paid for the movie. Go get us some good seats and I'll be right there."

It was maybe ten minutes later when Ethel reappeared with two bags of popcorn, two sodas and two large bags of W&W's. "You’ll like this," she told him ripping open the bag of W&W's and pouring a few into the bag. 

"You got to space out pouring them in though or they all just end up at the bottom," she explained. "Try it."

It turned out to be a good movie. And Ethel's W&W trick was delicious. 

"So what now?" asked Ethel. "Food? I'm starving?"

"You just had popcorn," pointed out Jughead.

"I got small bags. And you don't get this tall without eating." 

Jughead grinned. "Well good, then. We have a reservation at Maurice's in..." He looked at his watch. "10 minutes."

"Oh," said Ethel.

"Is that alright?" asked Jughead. Was he doing something wrong?

"Just a little surprised," she answered stiffly. She sped up a bit as she walked. "We should probably pick it up a bit if we have to be there in 10 minutes."

When they got back to the jalopy Jughead walked over the passenger side door again to open the door for Ethel but she stopped him. "I've got it," she said curtly. "We're going to be late if we don't hurry."

"Right," answered Jughead rushing to his own door, wondering if Ethel was unhappy with him. 

He had followed everyone's rules, what was going wrong? And not for the first time he found himself wondering why people put themselves through this.

They made it to Maurice's on time, but only just. It was a nice looking restaurant, with tablecloths, candles and dim lighting. When they were shown their table Jughead made sure to pull Ethel's chair out for her, but could tell again by the way she hesitated that she didn't seem as taken with it as Chuck had implied she would be. Jughead rushed over to his own seat and sat feeling sheepish and out of place. He barely listened as the host read off the specials before disappearing back into the ambiance of the restaurant.

Jughead turned his attention to Ethel. Halfway through the date, did he know if he liked her yet? 

She did look nice dressed up. Her dress was certainly pretty, with little frills and a matching scarf in her hair. Attraction was tied to looks, right? It certainly seemed to be for Archie. But, he thought, lots of people looked interesting without liking them. He remembered what Betty had told him and looked into her eyes and concentrated. 

"Forsythe P. Jones III, what are you doing?" asked Ethel suddenly. She didn’t sound angry, but a bit exasperated and maybe somewhat confused.

Jughead straightened up. Somewhat surprised at suddenly being addressed like that from Ethel. 

"Looking into your eyes?” 

"I mean tonight," she clarified. "You've been acting oddly all night."

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean this." She motioned at the restaurant around them. "And pulling out chairs, and wanting to see a chick flick. Why are you being weird?"

"I thought that's how you were supposed to act on dates?" answered Jughead carefully. 

"And that's why you were suddenly staring at me like I was a plate of cheeseburgers?" 

"Well no," Jughead rubbed the back of his neck. "It's a bit embarrassing actually. I was trying to figure out if I was attracted to you."

Ethel barked out a laugh so loud the rest of the restaurant went momentarily quiet. "What's gotten into you?" she asked. 

"What?"

"As much as I wish it wasn’t true I know you're not attracted to me, Juggie," she explained. "So you can stop worrying about it."

"How do you know?"

"Because I've gone out with guys who do like me," Said Ethel. "It's hard to explain, but you can tell. They're more into it, more into you instead of just going through the motions."

"What makes you think I'm not into this?" asked Jughead.

"Juggie, if I said I wanted to kiss you, right here, right now, what would your reaction be?"

Jughead instinctively pulled further away from Ethel and glanced around the restaurant. "Here? Now?"

"Exactly," she said. "If you really liked me, you'd have been wanting to do that all night." 

Jughead opened his mouth to answer, but he couldn't think of what to say. "And I bet you're relieved too," she added. "Now you know you won't have to."

Jughead was dumbfounded. "Yeah, I guess so," He had to admit, she was right. Even at her best, Jughead had to admit he still didn't seem to feel any of the feelings Betty had described to him. And his stomach had unclenched considerably since finding out he won't have to kiss her. "Sorry, Big Ethel. I really did try."

"It's fine," she said. "You can make it up to me by explaining what's actually going on here? Why did you ask me out, and why are you acting so weird?"

Jughead explained about Veronica's comments and Archie's experiment. Instead of being upset, Ethel actually seemed flattered. "You mean of all the girls in Riverdale you chose me as the one you thought you could fall for?" she asked. "I thought you hated me."

"I don't like it when you chase me," he admitted. "But when you're normal, you're great. You're smart, and almost as good at cooking as I am."

Ethel raised an eyebrow. "Almost?"

"And you’re easy to talk to. Really it was either you or Betty, but I figured you’d be more interested."

"So we haven't ordered yet," said Ethel, spotting an incoming waiter. "Wanna bail for Pop Tate's?"

Jughead's face broke into a relieved grin. "Ethel, I think I love you, but in a completely platonic way," he said, getting up. “Let’s grab a real meal.”

When they reached Pop Tate's, Jughead was surprised to see the 'Jughead Dating Committee' sharing a table in the corner. They all obviously pretended not to watch them as they walked in, making Ethel giggle and Jughead roll his eyes.

"Hey guys," he said as he approached the table.

"It's alright," said Ethel, when a few members tensed up. “Jughead told me everything." 

"Aren't you guys supposed to be at Maurice's?"asked Archie as Jughead and Ethel pulled up a couple of chairs and joined them.

"Yuck, I'd rather eat real food," said Ethel. 

"I guess I'm not attracted to girls," said Jughead dropping the keys to the jalopy back into Archie's hand.

"Perhaps, but perhaps not," answered Dilton. "For the sake of accuracy, the experiment really should be repeated a few times." 

Jughead's stomach dropped again. 

Across the table Betty was talking to Ethel.

"How are you taking it?" she asked.

"I'm really okay with it. It's kind of flattering to be the girl who proves he doesn't like girls," Ethel reassured Betty. "And besides, me and Hank have been talking about going steady lately, so I'm kind of relieved. "

She put her hand on her stomach. "Relieved and hungry. I'm going to grab something. You want something, Juggie?"

Jughead shook his head. "I think I just lost my appetite." 

"You still want to keep going, right, Jughead?" asked Betty, concerned. "Because you can stop anytime."

"Yeah, we're doing this for you, buddy," said Archie. 

"Yeah, it actually wasn't a bad night," said Jughead. "But the sooner I get this figured out the better, I think." 

He added. "My stomach's been doing more somersaults than a circus acrobat. Is that supposed to happen?"

"Welcome to the dating world," laughed Archie. "Now you know how the rest of us feel all the time."

"Why do you people do this to yourselves?" groaned Jughead. "No wonder you guys barely eat."

Betty reached across the table and put her hand over his wrist and squeezed. "Don't worry," she said. "You get used to it. And it's worth it at the end."

Jughead arrived at Kevin's right on time that Saturday evening. It was Kevin's mother who answered the door, a plump middle-aged woman with a kind face. "You must be Jughead!" She said excitedly, motioning for him to come in. "Come on, let's have a look at you. Kevin's been telling us all about you, you know."

"Um… pleasure to meet you, Mrs Keller." 

"Oh please, call me Tracey." Tracey seemed to effuse hospitality and home cooking in a way that made it impossible not to feel at ease when she was talking to you.

"Mom, you're smothering him," said Kevin, coming in from the kitchen. He was dressed casually, though nicely, in a nice sweater and tight black pants. He turned his attention to Jughead. "You ready to go?"

Jughead nodded. "It was nice meeting you, ma'am," he said, nodding to Tracey.

Kevin kissed her cheek. "I'll see you later, Mom."

Once Jughead found himself alone with Kevin he instantly felt ill-at-ease. He knew Ethel better than he knew Kevin. When they reached the jalopy it also occurred to him that he had no idea how you date a boy. Do you still open doors and pull out chairs? Who pays for the movie, or for dinner?

"Jughead, you feeling alright?" 

"Yeah, just nerves I guess." Ethel hadn't seemed to like it when he opened doors for her. So he left it and just unlocked the doors from the driver's side.

Kevin, like Ethel, had no intention of seeing a silly romantic comedy, so they decided to go see the new James Stock movie instead. Jughead paid, figuring since he was the one to ask out Kevin, it made more sense. No popcorn this time, Jughead's knotted up stomach didn't seem to want it and Kevin didn't want to fill up before supper.

About midway through the movie Kevin put his arm over Jughead's shoulders. He tensed. Not because he had anything against being touched, but this felt different somehow. After a moment though, when Kevin didn't move any more Jughead relaxed back into his seat. He felt better, but he noticed his heart was beating faster. That couldn't be what Betty meant, could it? Was this what falling for someone was like? Was he supposed to feel so wound up? How did all his friends do this?

For the most part, Kevin was pretty normal after that. They spent most of dinner talking about the movie. Kevin turned out to be a huge James Stock fan, and had not only had seen all the movies but read most of the books as well.

"You gotta be careful with the books though," he explained. "They're not really well written. But good if you're rating by cheese factor."

"So you're a pretty big fan, huh?"

"Man, I think I've had a crush on James Stock since I was 10," he laughed. "Kind of silly, huh?"

Jughead shook his head. "Nah, I don't think so."

"What about you?" asked Kevin. "Any childhood crushes?"

Jughead thought for a minute. "Not that I can think of," he said, "I always liked the NinjaRangers. I can't think of which one was my favourite. Maybe the orange one? He ate a lot."

"Not your favourite, a crush. Like I liked the Blue one best, but I had a crush on the Red one."

Jughead shrugged. "I can't think of any." 

"None?" Kevin looked surprised.

"Nada, zilch," said Jughead. "That's not weird is it?"

"Nah, it's just unusual," Kevin said. "Or maybe I just think that because I can name off a dozen." He shrugged and looked down at the empty table, they'd probably paid a full 20 minutes ago and a little ways away they could see the staff eyeing them impatiently.

"Hey, you want to change venues?"

"Sure." They both started getting up. "This might sound a bit silly, but my friends suggested we go for a walk on the beach," said Jughead.

Kevin laughed and Jughead blushed from embarrassment. 

"Unless that's too cliche?"

Kevin shook his head. "No it sounds like fun. Let's go."

The timing was perfect, the sun had just begun to set when they got there, lighting the sky up in a bright orange. Neither of them were feeling particularly talkative, though Jughead was mostly focused on the fact Kevin had taken his hand in his, which felt weird, but otherwise not too bad. Though his stomach was still knotted up he realised. He went through Betty's checklist. The twisted up stomach wasn't even a question, he had that in spades. His heart had beat faster at the theatre, and he’d blushed at the restaurant. Was this what falling for someone felt like? He had expected something bigger somehow.

Jughead suddenly realised that Kevin had been talking. "Sorry?" 

"I was just saying I had no idea you were gay," said Kevin. "How long have you known?"

"Honestly?" said Jughead. "I'm still figuring it all out. I mean, you gotta like someone right?"

"You think you like me?" asked Kevin in a low voice, stopping and pulling Jughead closer to him. 

Jughead was acutely aware that they were much closer than he usually felt comfortable standing beside somebody. Kevin's arm shifted away from his hand, and down across the small of his back. 

"Maybe," answered Jughead. 

"Mmm, not clear enough," Kevin said and leaned in. Jughead's first instinct was the pull back, until he understood what Kevin was doing.

Kevin looked up at him. "Is this alright?" he asked, unsure.

"Yeah, sorry," said Jughead quickly, "try it again, you just surprised me is all."

Kevin looked at Jughead but Jughead nodded reassuringly at him and Kevin leaned in again. And...and it wasn't horrible. But it wasn't anything else either. Just lips touching. Kevin deepened the kiss, opening his mouth and kissing him full on. Jughead let him for a moment, maybe a few seconds, as long as he could bear it, before pulling away.

"Are you alright?" asked Kevin. 

"It tastes like saliva." 

Kevin cocked his head. "What did you think it would taste like?" he asked. Then suddenly realising what Jughead had just said he added, "wait, was that your first kiss?"

"I don't know," answered Jughead, ignoring the second question for the moment. "Why do people do it if it just tastes like saliva?"

"Why do people kiss?"

"Yes. Why are you acting like that's such a weird question?"

"Well usually people are attracted to the person they kiss," explained Kevin, frowning a bit in confusion, "and it doesn't just 'taste like saliva,'" he went on. 

"You sure you're gay, Jughead?"

"I don't know," admitted Jughead, trying to hide his building frustration. "If I'm not gay, what am I?"

Kevin shrugged. "Straight?" Jughead glared at him. "I don't know. This kind of thing's complicated. Nobody can tell you how you feel, you gotta figure it out yourself."

Jughead ran his hands through his hair. "And what if I have no idea?" he asked. 

Kevin's expression seemed to fall somewhere between amusement and pity. He put his arm around Jughead but it felt different now than when he'd done it in the theatre. This just felt comforting. And warm. And not like he should be running away. 

"Don't worry about it," Kevin said. "You'll know it when it happens. Don't try and force it and be open, you'll get it figured out."

"You make it sound easy," Jughead sniped. He paused for a moment, then much softer added, "but thanks. I appreciate it."

"I guess our date's over, huh?" asked Kevin. 

"Yeah, guess so," said Jughead, moving back towards the jalopy. "Let me drive you home." 

"You know, it's too bad you're not gay," said Kevin as they walked, "I had fun tonight."

Jughead smirked. "Thanks."

"Anytime."

The next day, Dilton wandered into Pop Tate's for lunch and saw Jughead sitting in a booth, his head resting on his hands, eyes closed and food, a burger and a shake, sitting in front of him untouched. Dilton put off ordering and beelined to Jughead instead.

"Hi Jughead. Are you feeling alright?"

Jughead looked up. "Oh, hey Dil." He turned his focus back down to the table.

Dilton scooted into the bench across from Jughead. "Is something the matter?" he asked.

Jughead turned his attention back to Dilton. "Hey, you're a smart guy, right?"

"I...I believe so."

"So how does this whole attraction thing work anyways? I thought I was straight until I went out with Ethel, and I thought I was gay until I went out with Kevin. If I'm not straight or gay what am I?"

Dilton looked startled by Jughead's sudden outpouring, he fixed his glasses and tried to regain his composure. "There are many different orientations when it comes to attraction, Jughead," he explained. "Human sexuality is much too complicated to simply categorize as 'straight' or 'gay.'" 

Jughead raised an eyebrow, that was news to him. “In fact there have been studies to indicate that most people actually fall somewhere between the two, with straight and gay being two ends of a very large and diverse spectrum."

"Are you saying I like boys and girls?" asked Jughead. 

"That is one possibility," admitted Dilton, "but I really couldn't say where you fall. There are many different options."

Jughead frowned. "So how would you know which one you fall into then?"

"You just have to continue experimenting, I suppose," answered Dilton. "I would try and date a large variety of people, and see what appeals to you the most."

Jughead groaned. "I'm going to be at this forever."

Dilton looked confused. "I don't understand. If you dislike the experiment so much, why did you agree to do it?"

"No, you see, I've got to date now so I don't have to date anymore," explained Jughead. Dilton looked even more lost than before. 

"I need to figure out who I like, so I can know," he elaborated. "And when I know I won't have to do it anymore, because I'll know."

Dilton nodded, not entirely sure what to make of that. But luckily he was saved from answering because at that moment a shadow fell over the table. He looked up to see Veronica standing between them.

"You seem down, Juggie," she said, and Dilton thought he saw the corner of her lip twitch up, just a bit. "Something eating at you?"

"Oh hey, Ronnie," said Jughead. 

"Jughead appears to be having an identity crisis of sorts," explained Dilton. "He has been trying over the past few days to figure out what his sexual orientation might be."

"Oh, Juggie, this isn't about what I said, is it?" asked Veronica, full of faux sympathy.

Jughead however, seemed to be too far gone to notice her insincerity and answered: "It's been horrible Ronnie. I'm not sleeping, I'm not eating. And I'm no closer to figuring it out than I was when I talked to you a week ago. And people keep wanting to do things. Gross things like kissing."

"Oh don't be so melodramatic, Juggie," said Veronica, rolling her eyes. "It's pretty obvious you fall into none of the above. You're just like my Aunt Poppy, you're not interested in anyone. I just said that to mess with your head. You know, like you did with me and Kevin."

"Wait, what?" asked Jughead. "Is that a real option?"

“Indeed, while not as common, asexuality is a valid sexual orientation. As is aromantic, which is a lack of romantic orientation as well,” explained Dilton. "I had neglected to consider it, but it certainly does seem a likely possibility."

“You’re losing me, Dil,” said Jughead. “Go back to the part where I don’t have to date anyone anymore.”

“Certainly, there is no reason why you should if you find it distasteful."

"I’m a free man!” cried Jughead. He grinned at Veronica. "Ronnie, I'm so happy, I could not kiss you. Though don't take it personally, just that I think I'm going to swear off kissing ever again."

"I hope you learned an important lesson in not messing with people's heads," said Veronica, pointedly. 

"Yeah, yeah," Jughead waved his hand at her. "Don't mess with people’s heads or you might end up making out with Kevin, I got it."

"Wait, what?" asked Veronica, but Jughead had already turned his attention to his food.

"Hey Pop!" he called to the counter. "Get that grill fired up, you're gonna need it in a minute."

Veronica rolled her eyes. "Same old Jughead, only cares about one thing." 

"That's right," said Jughead, picking up his hamburger and licking his lips.. "Exactly how it should be." He took a huge bite. Suddenly he was famished. He felt like he hadn’t eaten properly in over a week.

**Author's Note:**

> Some notes on the puns:
> 
>   * In case you're wondering, NinjaRangers are teenagers with attitudes who are also turtles. James Stock is play on James Bond, and I knew exactly what I was doing when I called them W&W's.
>   * W&W's don't have a peanut version, they have a hazelnut version. It is indeed a disturbing universe. Or perfect depending on how you feel about peanuts.
>   * Trek Wars is the greatest sci-fi franchise ever created
>   * Other movies they almost saw but were rejected includes Y-Men, Ratman, Atlantic Edge, Groomsmen, and the Avenging League movie.
> 

> 
> Rejected link bait summaries:
> 
>   * If Jughead Doesn't Like Girls Who Does He Like? The Real Answer Will Shock You.
>   * Two Kinds Of People You NEED To Know Jughead's Not Attracted To.
>   * Two People Jughead Doesn't Like That Will DESTROY Your Faith In Romantic Love.
>   * Jughead Tries Out Gay! The Results Will Astound!
>   * What Is Jughead's Sexual Orientation? You'll Never Guess The Real Answer.
>   * A Simple Statement By Veronica Leads To A Conclusion You'd NEVER Expect.
>   * The Way These Teens Help Each Other Out Will RESTORE Your Faith In Humanity.
>   * 2 Dates That Will Change How Jughead Thinks.
> 



End file.
